Draw me lord

As I stood contemplating this journey. I took inventory of what I was bringing with me. The baggage of my life, I thought, was minimal. An ex-catholic disenchanted with the church and the Bible. I remember 'reading' the Bible but It was a task and not something that was meaningful. Don't get me wrong I believed in God, I just looked at the people who went to church and thought how can this be? How can so many people say they believe and yet still live life like there was no care or concern. It just seemed very hypocritical. It started when I went away to a Teen Encounter Christ weekend, it changed my view of things, it opened me up in ways I never felt before, but what I had was an emotional experience.

So here I was a supposed catholic, or ex-catholic trying to come to grips with life. When you hit the age when you have to become an adult there are many questions that you feel ill-equipped to answer. You feel indestructible and vulnerable at the same time.

Well I was used to being a spectator, however impatient with waiting for answers. So many words spoken, thoughts held. But yet nothing to hold onto. When you want to know something but don't know what you want to know life becomes a crowded place.

Well I studied allot of beliefs out there read many a book. Most of it was shaped by martial arts training I was getting at the time. So a lot of Eastern Philosophy, psychology, hypnosis, mediums, psychic stuff, you name it, I was looking for answers.

Well at the time I called myself a Christian without any understanding of what that meant. So in a sense I was really a new-ager. I was skydiving at the time when I was deep into this journey. There was a group of us that got together every Saturday morning. We called ourselves the breakfast club. We would very in depth discussion on life, spirituality, you name we discussed.

all the while I had this feeling of being lost, like a cloud was following me. Well to bring things into light my financial status was an utter shambles, many a day and night holding my head in my hands wondering how this journey could have brought me to such a place.

There were many a times when depression would grab me and try to take me out. So much knowledge i had gathered over the 10 years, yet I was stupid. My arguments were always fueled by emotion with not a lot of rational.

Through this journey I have taken I had brought myself to a place where there was no hope. Through all of the yelling I had been doing I could not hear the whisper that was calling to me. one of the last things I remember holding onto during this journey was talking to a preacher and heckling him, yes I gave him a very hard time. I was mad at this point in my search for answers.

In this search for truth I found many truths and many lies, but nothing solid. I wanted something concrete, that would stand no matter what was thrown at it, but I could not find it. Well this brings me to Vandalia, at this time I am leaving out much of this journey, but it becomes very hard to look at without wanting to cry. Most people didn't know and probably still don't know that I was literally living out of truck of which I could not even afford. So many faces, so many words, so many thoughts, of all I had done could I die happy? most have not even scratched the surface of what I have experienced. yet for all of this experience I still had no answers.

I remember that night, alone, I had the weight of the world on shoulders, bridges were broken, i was sure i would not make it.

With what money I had I bought a six pack of beer and went out to the airport where i had been skydiving. The airport was vacant, it was late at night on a Tuesday in September 1998. I sat back on my tailgate and gazed at the night sky. I don't get it anymore.... no job, very little money, no place to live, what does this all mean. I looked up at the sky, crying, I said words from deep inside me.... Oh God..... What do want from me. What am I supposed to do, why am I here?... And I felt a voice there rocked me to my core. You are here to save someone.
I through my head in my hands, how can I save anyone, I cannot even save myself. With that I looked up and said Oh God, I will follow you no matter if you only show me truth what I am to know. I felt otherworldly at the time, like it was some kind of movie, but the words, the feelings and what happened that night never left me. It was not a burning bush but I didn't need a burning bush. I needed a hand to reach in and pull me out. Nothing anyone could have said to me at the time could have altered my next steps. This journey was about to take a turn.